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Houston – Going into this week’s crucial match-up with the New Orleans Saints, I have conjured up some
thoughts on the ineptitude of our Texans.
1. Marques Colston, Devery Henderson, and “Old-Man” David Patten are salivating at the mouth when thinking of
our secondary. The disaster, known as Petey Faggins, is going to see the field more often due to injuries, and that means
either an automatic pass interference penalty or 50-yard TD for the opponent. Why does Petey play?? The depth chart should
be Fred Bennett and Von Hutchins starting, and Jamar Fletcher playing nickel. Petey reminds me of a mix between Matt Stevens
and Kelvin Cato.
2. Simeon Rice was signed today by the Indianapolis Colts. Why did the Texans decide not to pursue this former Pro-Bowl defensive-end?
Rather, the Texans are relying on Anthony “At the Club” Weaver. During the off-season, I, on numerous occasions,
witnessed “At the Club” Weaver downing bottles of Grey Goose at local Houston bars. Unfortunately, the only thing
that Weaver is able to man handled are numerous shots of vodka and the only thing he has sacked are the local Hoe-Bag Johnson’s
that are regular visitors at Roc Bar and Bond in downtown Houston. How’s this is for an idea: the Texans should have
cut “At the Club” Weaver and picked up Simeon Rice.
3. My focus now shifts to C.C. Brown. There is no doubt in my mind that C.C. is one of the worst starting safeties in the
NFL. Next time you watch the game, keep an eye on how many times C.C. blitzes and gets stone-walled by an offensive lineman.
C.C. has yet to record a sack and Non-Defensive Coordinator Richard Smith always blitzes with C.C. I have asked myself on
numerous occasions why we traded Jason Babin for Michael Boulware? Boulware must suck if he can not beat out C.C. for playing
time. Jason Babin was only good at getting tough-guy tattoos but at least Babin gave us something to make fun of. I would
also like to point out that Babin had an impressive preseason before being traded, and maybe he could have helped “At
the Club” Weaver and Maria Williams.
4. Moving to the running backs. Ahman-ito Green is a big fat pussy. I got a message for you Ahman-ito: if your not going
to finish a game, then don’t play at all. Be a man, grab your testicles, and play in pain --– you get paid 26
million for a reason. The picture below is of Ahman-ito taken by a young attractive lady. My response: “What the Fuck
Amhan-ito” – you’re more worried about playing video games, looking cool, and wearing a gay backpack? Also
I would like to point out that Gary “this loss is on me” Kubiak traded our young running back prospect V. Morency
for Samkon Gado, who is currently conducting a science experiment in his basement at Harvard. Another horrible trade by the
Texans.
5. My focus shifts to Richard Smith. Richard Smith must be fired by season’s end. Our defense has digressed and has
not become respectable yet. I blame all of our defensive deficiencies on Richard Smith and I also blame Richard Smith for
the lack luster performances of Maria Williams. I also blame Richard Smith for the Holocaust, slavery, and the existence
of hermaphadites. Read my upcoming article “Defensive Scheming” for more in depth analysis of our Pathetic Houston
Texans Defense.
6. Focusing on this weeks game, the Texans only chance of beating the Saints is by outscoring them. Our defense is so pathetic
that it could not stop the 1994 Albright Warriors Middle School’s B-team offense headed by Dr. illz himself playing
at the center position. Although, I have spent this entire article dogging the Texans, I still predict the Texans will win
31-28.
By – Pat Moss
www.luvyasteelblue.com
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